Why we reject love even though we want it
Here is the thing. Two things can be true at the same time.
– 1. We can deeply desire, even crave love, and
– 2. Heavily reject love when it’s here.
This might seem paradox at first but is very common and – actually – a totally normal human response.
Here is what you need to understand:
The part of you that is rejecting love isn’t doing it because it doesn’t want love.
It’s doing it because it doesn’t trust it.
This is the part of you that learned, over years and years, that love wasn’t safe. That attention, care and affection came with (sometimes heavy!) conditions and expectations. That it was never unconditional and always conditional and something that needed to be thought- and carefully traded with.
That part of you learnt that letting people in – like really in – meant vulnerability, and vulnerability once led to deep pain. So now, even when love is safe, even when it’s genuine, freely given, and meant for you, this part of you is still running on old survival programming.
It’s like standing outside in the freezing cold for so long that when you finally step into a warm room, it hurts before it feels good. You instinctively want to step back out into the cold, because at least that’s familiar. Even if it doesn’t make sense (you might want to check out my video “the truth about the comfort zone and how to stop settling for less” to understand more about this).
But back to love, here’s the thing: You don’t have to force yourself to be open right away. It’s not an all or nothing situation. You don’t have to bulldoze this part of you into accepting love when it’s still afraid. That would be counteractive. We never want to be pushy with these parts of ourselves that have been hurt in the past.
They are like a delicate flower, you have to be gentle or they will start to shut down again.
Instead, you can start by simply noticing it. Seeing it with curiosity rather than frustration.
💛 “I see you. I know you’re scared. I know you’ve been hurt before.”
💛 “I understand why you’re hesitant.
It makes sense. I got you.”
💛 “And it’s okay. You don’t have to let it all in at once. We’ll take this slow.”
Because here’s the secret: You don’t have to be fully open to love in order to start receiving it.
Even if you can only let in 5% right now, that’s okay. That’s still a shift.
And with time, as you experience more safe, nourishing, consistent love – from yourself first, and then from others -you’ll start to see that you don’t have to brace for impact.
That love isn’t something you have to survive.
That you are allowed to relax into it.
So let that part of you be where it is. Don’t try to shove it out of the way. Just let it slowly, gently, carefully start to see that love can be safe now.
It’s not about forcing yourself open. It’s about building trust, moment by moment, breath by breath.
You got this! One step at the time 💖.
