A journey from zero to blossoming into my potential in the darkest hour

I have two, potentially contradicting, words for my life’s journey and personal transformation so far: ‘genuinely a miracle’ and ‘simply inevitable’.

A miracle because I made it thus far and inevitable because I was always meant to take this path because in my heart of hearts I knew I wasn’t living the life I came here to live. I always felt things were supposed to be different, better, happier.

But let me start where this life began for me:

Early Life
I chose to incarnate into a difficult family situation and ancestral lineages with massive generational trauma.

My family reflected back my soul’s wounds of disconnect from the source of (self)love, so during my childhood I experienced an extreme lack of love, emotional neglect + emotional abuse since birth. My self-worth was completely undermined and my sensitive and accurate perception gaslit to the point that I lost trust in myself completely. 

The emotional and energetic environment I grew up in was unsupportive, mostly toxic (although I wasn’t aware of it at the time), hostile, violent, marked by substance abuse by my father and my older brother, and just overall very disheartening, hence set me up for a difficult and painful first third of my life.

Attacked and abused for my light, beliefs and supportive + giving heart from my own family, I started shutting down the truth about myself and, for the sake of surviving, slipped into a role that dimmed down my voice, personal power and confidence, adapting and creating a persona that I felt others  demanded from me when I was still a child, slowly forgetting about my true nature + gifts and burying my potential, power and true dreams under their expectations and control. I started to use my empathic gifts to anticipate what people wanted from me and became a perfect people pleaser. I got along with everybody, and everybody seemed to (superficially) like me because I was the “nice girl”, but I had no substance. People didn’t really notice or respect me, and I got used to not being seen or valued, losing myself more and more. 

Giving up my true self temporarily and walking around with a resounding rejection wound in my heart, for the first third of my life, I deeply struggled to make heart-felt connections and attract supportive relationships. On the surface, everything seemed fine and like I had it all together but underneath I was living a reality of heart-breaking sadness, difficult relationships, self-harming tendencies, isolation, loneliness and profound unhappiness. Suicidal ideation had been present for the majority of my life because of the profound re-occurring longing to end my suffering and a deep desire to return “home” to the stars. 

But I always knew that I couldn’t exit – that the life I somehow knew was possible, hadn’t even started yet, but often it also felt as if it was already over. I felt trapped and hopeless.

Something Needed To Change
Initiated by a series of events in the fall of 2015 I made an overnight decision to change my life; quit my unfulfilling, although well-paying marketing job and emigrate to the UK (London) from Switzerland, with little plan whatsoever. I just knew it with all my being that it was time for a change. A big one. To be honest, looking back now, it was also, although not only, a half-hearted attempt to run away from myself and what I knew I had to face eventually, but nevertheless, it marked the beginning of my transformation into a new way of being.

Yet, a little naive, I wanted to believe that leaving the country I thought was the source of my misery behind would change things (another generational trauma to heal), but I quickly realised that you can’t escape your past just by relocating. It worked for a little bit, and I distracted myself from my pain with the big city life, parties, pub crawls and unfulfilling romantic flings.
But it couldn’t fill the void I was feeling and I hit a new low point, where I self-referred to psychological counselling because, after yet another emotional break-down, the realisation that I needed some kind of help dawned on me pretty obviously.

However, I resisted the change my soul was trying to initiate at first (because, completely disconnected from my inner voice I simply didn’t understand it), until I could no longer ignore the signs and physical issues forced me to go and do “the work.” 

Since then (at that point beginning of 2018) nothing has come to me by accident. In order for the desired change to happen, I had to actively create and work for it, and in the following 6 years I completely turned my inner world upside down.

I was challenged to do and face things I previously never ever even dared to think about (travel the world solo, have no place to call “home” for 6+ years (sometimes not knowing if I’d still have a bed the next day or month) facing my deepest fears in the Peruvian jungle in several Ayahuasca ceremonies and a near-death experience, speaking up for myself in situations I should have never been in in the first place, staying in a third world country (by choice) in the beginnings of the global pandemic with airport shutdowns – completely on my own, with everybody around me criticising and fear-mongering my choice, facing ongoing poverty-battles, isolation and excruciating loneliness, standing up to family and friends with zero backup or support, leaving everything and everybody behind – multiple times -, building a business in the middle of it, and much more). This period challenged and tested me like nothing else ever has in my life.

To move through the change I knew was necessary required deep inner adjustments, a dozen leaps of faith, emotional, financial and physical risks, a lot of painful realisations and plenty of sobering disappointments. And contrary to some of the voices out there, nothing about that was easy. I relentlessly fought for a new beginning for 6 years, most of the time by myself in foreign countries and it definitely taught me resilience, strength, acceptance, surrender, humility and patience. Still, it also painfully cracked open every hidden box and limitation I was abiding to subconsciously which wasn’t in alignment with my soul’s true essence.

However, being on the other side now I can say it was 1000% worthwhile and I would do it again, to feel the freedom I’m feeling now, even though it brought me to my knees and pushed me beyond my limits more times than I care to remember, ultimately it initiated me into who I truly am.

For 6 years straight I devoted myself to creating the change I knew I deserved and diligently did my shadow work, purified and cleared deep hopelessness, disappointment, grief, sadness and despair out of my system on a daily basis. Some call this period the dark night of the soul. And dark it was because I faced my deepest shadows and my biggest fears even when I had given up all hope for betterment. The “problem” with this work is, once you’ve committed to doing it, there is no going back. You have opened Pandora’s box (well done!) and now you gotta empty it because you also sense the silver lining on the other side of this. I somehow sensed – even in the darkest hours – that what was waiting for me was a million times better than what I was leaving behind, even though I didn’t have a shred of evidence to prove it – other than my deep desire for it being so.

And that is exactly what kept me going during that time – otherworldly hope and a stubborn unwillingness to settle for unfulfilling experiences and an unfulfilling life altogether. I have fought many invisible battles to be where I am today and I had to find strength and faith in situations that are beyond what I previously believed to be imaginable. The yearning for something out of this world and a little flame inside of me that kept whispering “this is not it – keep going” have been my guiding light and the motivation to keep going – even in the darkest, deepest hours of my transformational change.

Despite multiple (perceived) setbacks, turmoil and upheaval, I kept seeking out the teachers and experiences that could help point me in the right direction and/or shared their medicine with me, continued to follow the breadcrumbs that appeared, and eventually stopped listening to the voices outside of me and reconnected with the voice of my heart, and the guidance became clearer, stronger and more straight-forward.

And finally, at the point where I had nothing left, and nothing left to lose, I finally started to actively re-claim my power, healed my deeply wounded and rejected heart and with nothing left but a strong will to see and experience the light again, I finally started to see the blossoming of the new dawn and experienced the first glimpses of how it would feel coming back into the true essence of my unconditionally loving, open-hearted, joyful & adventurous soul. And from there on, this new feeling became, not the force that pushed me, but the force that has been (and still is) pulling me to embody it.

And now, I no longer feel the need to run away from myself or this existence. I’ve learnt to accept and love myself – even on the days that are hard because those still exist – and I’m learning to actively rest in this new feeling of joy, self-security, self-love, and most importantly new-found self-worth. As a pleasurable side effect, a newly gained zest and excitement for life and the fact that life can actually really truly be deeply enjoyable regardless of outer circumstances or what is happening in the world has been anchoring in my body.

I’m a growth junkie, devoted to the evolution of consciousness, personal development, spirituality, and the art of being a balanced and happy human in co-creation with the creator. I love studying and understanding people, their needs and motivations and how it affects relationships. That’s what makes me an excellent observer and listener which comes in very handy in my coaching practice. I love to go deep and connect the dots that aren’t obvious at first glance. One of my gifts is to “see” (and enable YOU to see too) way below the surface into the deeper aspects of your beautiful being which helps bring answers, understanding, solutions and healing to long-standing problems and blocks. 

My Soul’s Work
Fast forward to today, if I had to label myself, (which I actually dislike but for the sake of this post I’ll try to summarise what I do) I would describe myself as a transformational change facilitator, a spiritual life & soul purpose mentor, inner child advocate, a messenger of higher love & truths and an empathic, gifted healer. 

Supporting and cheering you on to create and move through change, heal and alchemise your pain and trauma into personal power, reclaim your self-worth and self-trust, open your mind and heart, connecting your higher self with your inner child to allow yourself to dream BIG again and experience the magical creations of your desired life.

But I’m also just a friend that you might not have right now that says to you: If I managed to turn my life around with nothing but a desire to do so – so can you. Keep going. Always.

Love, 
Stefanie